all too well
by girlmeetsangst
Summary: a songfic based off of all to well by taylor swift in which riley matthews attends farkle minkus' wedding and she cannot escape the nostalgia that surrounds her.


She didn't want to go to this. She didn't want to go to her ex boyfriend's wedding. But when your ex boyfriend is also the boy that saved your life twice in the first grade, you have to bend the rules and break your own heart a little bit. You have to smile and laugh and pretend that even though it's been a year, three months, and two days since you were last allowed to call him "yours", you aren't still crushed every time he looks at her. So she gets up and out of her bed for the first time in a week and a half of wallowing, and puts on her dress and gets in the car waiting outside. The car containing her boyfriend, Ben.

The ride to the church is exhausting, she almost has to throw herself out of the car once it pulled up out front. Her mind had raced faster than her feet ever could the whole way there. Images of her and him and herandhim cluttered her brain as she reminded herself that he wasn't hers anymore. He hasn't been hers since the night she kicked him out. He hasn't been hers since they stopped communicating and loving each other became a chore. But from the moment he left to the moment she walked up those church steps, Riley Matthews never stopped loving him. The memories were too clear, his smile was too bright, and she knew all too well that this was a feeling that would live in her bones for the rest of her life. No matter where she was in her life, or who either of them were with, Farkle Minkus would always be the one. But as Ben's arm wrapped around her waist and she looked up into his eyes, she was just reaffirmed that their legacy would be one of missed opportunities. They had different lives now. They were happy.

 _But how happy could I be when he's marrying_ her _and I'm standing here with_ his _hand too close to my ass?_ She asks herself.

She takes her eyes off of the brunette that towered above her and looked straight ahead, and when she did she saw him. His suit fit him remarkably and his hair was done in a way that would have made her swoon had it been one year, three months, and two days ago. But what struck her the hardest was his eyes. They had once sparkled for her, but when they made eye contact from across the church, all they did was turn up at the corners as he offered her a slight smile and turned away.

It was in this moment that Riley realized that he magic was gone. There was no coming back to one another. There was no kiss in the rain or sorry letters upon sorry letters. There was no fairytale ending for them; their story had ended. It was in this moment that Riley remembered the little boy that saved her, the same boy that grew up the boy that loved her so tenderly. This man standing before her in a suit and tie, was not the same boy she so deeply, _deeply_ in love with. He's long gone. He's forgotten about what they had. _He's not in pain anymore._ But how could he not be when they had had the most epic love story of all time? How could he be fine when she was barely even okay?

Ben tugged at her hips, gesturing her the bench closest to them. She tore her eyes away from Farkle and looked down at her hands - the same hands that held his - and sat down besides the man she barely recognized. She looked back up at him and saw that he was already looking at her. She'd be lying if she said she didn't see the same old sparkle flicker for a second. And Riley Matthews had never been a liar.

* * *

 _The air was biting with chill, fall quickly turning to winter as seniors Riley Matthews and Farkle Minkus walked home, heavy backpacks and frozen noses weighing them down._

" _How ya' doin over there, Matthews? The cold too much for you or what?" Farkle half asked, half laughed her as she looked at him over the tip of her scarf that covered three fourths of her face._

 _Her glare was almost as cold as the air around them but he brushed it off, knowing she couldn't get enough of him. He had grown rather cocky through the four years of high school._

" _I'll have you know, this is a_ fashion _choice, Farkle," she said as she walked into his apartment complex, making sure that the door slammed in his face._

 _He made a face at her through the glass and she pretended not to care. She had been doing a lot of that lately. Like when he held her hand on their walks home. Or when she looked at him and he was already looking. Small things like that._

" _I'll have you know that you're full of_ bull shit _, Riley."_

 _She rolled her eyes at him even though she wasn't facing him, "Just shut up and get in the elevator, we have a history exam to study for, remember?"_

 _Completely ignoring everything she had just said, he continued to pester her about that goddamn scarf, "I bet you wouldn't be able to last outside without that scarf. I bet your cute little butt would freeze right off."_

Pretend you don't care that he thinks your butt is cute, Riley. _She reminded herself._

" _You're impossible, you know that, right?" She said as she marched off of the elevator and back into the lobby, she looked back at him when he didn't follow her immediately, "Are you coming?"_

 _He strode out of the elevator, intrigued about what was about to happen and amused that he could get her so worked up so easily, "You know, Riley, nothing is impossible. The word itself says 'I'm possible',"_

" _You're the most obnoxious person I know," she yelled back at him as she walked outside. He remained inside, knowing he wouldn't want passerby's to associate him with her if they saw what she was doing. She was making a real show out of the whole scarf thing. She twirled in it and then slowly unraveled it, letting it drop to the cold, wet ground. He tried to stop himself from laughing, but he couldn't help it. She was infectious. The show then continued with a pretend funeral for the scarf as it laid on the ground. Once the service was over, however, she opened her mouth in an 'O' and grabbed her butt with both hands, pretending to check if it was still there._

 _He was doubled over at this point._

 _For the finale number, she turned herself around and smacked her butt and blew him a kiss before grabbing the scarf up off of the ground and bowing._

 _He opened the door for her and screamed out to the city of New York, "Get this girl an Oscar, folks!" She slapped his chest in response as they both laughed, making their way back to the elevator._

" _Here," she began as she stuck her navy blue scarf into his back pocket, "To remind you of the best performance you ever have, and ever will witness."_

 _And then the elevator was shut._

* * *

Riley had begun to grow restless, the ceremony started in twenty minutes and there was still no sign of Maya and Lucas.

She nervously pulled out her phone, even though there were still not notifications since she had checked it two minutes ago. While she was looking through her emails, however, just in case Lucas and Maya had gotten stranded somewhere where all they had was a computer and had no other way of communicating with her, of course, an all too familiar hand rested itself on her bare shoulder.

"God, where are Maya and Lucas? It's so unlike them to be la- Oh wait it's so like them, yeah, we were always the punctual ones, right, Riles?" His voice didn't shake as he joked about a time where there used to be a mayaandlucas and a rileyandfarkle. Her voice would have collapsed down her throat.

She looked up at him and laughed, standing to meet him in a hug. Pretending touching him didn't hurt. "Oh man, do I."

A silence fell between them as he looked from her to the man on the bench and then back to her again.

Realizing that they had never met, she jumped frantically, tugging on Ben's arm, "Ben, honey," she pretended she didn't see Farkle's jaw clench at the pet name, "This is Farkle, the groom and an," the pause hurt the most, "uh, old friend of mine."

They shook hands and exchanged pleasantries but Riley felt light headed. She didn't want her current boyfriend and her ex Farkle exchanging small talk. She wanted them nowhere near each other. She wanted her current boyfriend to be her not current boyfriend and her ex Farkle to be her current _everything_.

She felt herself stumbling, even though she hadn't moved a muscle, and then she felt two sets of arms reaching out to grab her. One set felt familiar, the other was much colder. She didn't even have to look to know which set belonged to whom.

Before Riley could thank either one of them, someone dressed very similarly to Farkle came up behind him and whispered something in his ear.

He sighed nervously once the guy had left, "Well, that's my cue." And just like that, he was running back to the alter. Running away from her.

* * *

" _Farkle! Get back here, or I'm gonna, I'm gonna," she was a huffy mess. They had been studying at Farkle's place, just like normal, just like every Friday night for the past three years, since their senior year of high school, but_ this _time Farkle had decided to go through her bag and take out her journal. Just for funsies._

 _They both had stayed in the city for college, but since Farkle's parents were barely home anyway, he just stayed there most nights rather than his cramped dorm room with the weird guy that slept all day. Riley, on the other hand, was staying in a dorm regularly but preferred the warmth of Farkle's room. It had nothing to do that it was_ Farkle's _room. Hers was just colder, that's all. At least, that's what she told him._

" _Or you're gonna what, Riley?" The shit eating grin he had plastered on his face as he stood up on the second floor landing, looking down on her, "You're gonna beat the shit out of me? Tell my mom? What are you going to do about it?"_

 _She growled from the level below him. If he saw what was in that journal, she would be done for. Passages upon passages full of things he had said to her, the way she thought about him at 3 am, song lyrics that reminded her of him, all of the gross things that she thought had been a thing of her middle school past. If he saw what was in that journal, there would be no way of denying that she was deeply, disgustingly, in love with him._

 _Racing up the steps, she charged at him, "Farkle! You don't even want to know what's in there!"_

 _His eyebrows raised but he stayed put where he was, despite the rate at which she was gaining on him, "Oh yea? What's in it?"_

" _Ya know, gross stuff! Like, period stuff! Yeah - I track my period in that. You don't even want to see it!"_

 _He scoffed, "Riley, I'm a scientist. Menstruation is normal and natural. You're gonna have to do better than that." He then began flipping the cover open._

 _But before he could take a look of what was inside, Riley pounced._

 _Then they were both on the ground._

 _With Riley on top of him, her hands pinning his to the ground, and the journal laying a couple feet away._

" _Riley! Get off of me!" He squirmed underneath of her but Riley was deceptively strong._

 _She stayed firmly planted on top of him, "No! You're just going to get to the journal again. We are literally never going to move from this position, do you hear me? This is it, buddy, you and me for the rest of time!"_

 _He smirked and sighed up at her, "Fine by me, I love a good view."_

Ignore that. He's a flirt, Riley, you know that. _She kindly reminded herself._

" _Good, I'm glad because I'm not moving. Even when I get old and wrinkly, you're going to be looking right up at this face right here."_

 _His smirk softened into a shy smile, "Good. That's all I could ever ask for."_

 _She rolled her eyes, "Flattery won't get you anywhere, Minkus. You're not getting to that journal."_

" _Good."_

" _Fine."_

" _Fineh."_

" _Fineh!"_

 _So they stayed like that, they stayed like that until Riley woke up to her head nestled against his chest and his arms draped lazily across her back and waist._

 _She picked her head up and looked at his sleeping features. He was so at peace, but she wish she could see his eyes. She loved his eyes so much. They always sparkled, just for her._

 _As she took in how the moon danced across his cheeks, the shadows from the night making his jawline look even sharper than normal, he slowly stirred._

 _His eyes were hooded and his voice was raw, and he seemed more than slightly disoriented. "What time is it?" he asked as he rubbed his eyes._

" _No idea," she whispered._

 _They grew silent. But then Farkle broke it._

" _Riles, what's really in that journal?"_

 _Maybe it was the night time, maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe it was how his body fit perfectly beneath hers, but she almost came clean._

" _Everything that I don't say."_

 _She wasn't looking at him anymore, her head was against his chest so she could hear his heartbeat. It had started to quicken._

" _Like what?"_

" _Just things."_

" _What things?"_

" _I don't know, Farkle, just things. Dumb poems I wish I would recite. Songs I wish I would sing. Thoughts I wish I would say."_

 _His heart continued to pound faster, "What are you thinking right now?"_

 _She paused for a while, which only caused his heart to go a mile a minute, sitting up and looking down at him she comes clean, "I'm thinking that your breath smells really bad."_

 _He threw his head back and laughed. He had his own laugh for her._

 _Grabbing both of her hands, he continued to inquire about her thoughts, "You're so full of bullshit, Matthews. Just tell me the truth."_

 _She smirked down at him, suddenly full of confidence, and pulled at his plaid shirt, "Make me."_

 _He smirked back up at her, raising an eyebrow._

 _And then he did._

 _She spoke the truth in the way she so readily kissed him back._

 _She moved her hips against his in the same rhythm as her favorite love poems._

 _She moaned against his lips in the same key as the songs she wish could sing to him._

 _The truth was out._

 _And they never looked back._

* * *

Before she could stop and count her blessings, to remind her that she would be ok, the music had begun playing and she began walking down the aisle.

Everyone's head turned to take in the beautiful bride in all of her glory, but her eyes stayed focused on her hands in her lap. She had met this girl before, but back then she was Farkle's girlfriend. And then his fiancee. She had never met Farkle's bride, and, frankly, hadn't really planned on it before receiving the wedding invitation in the mail.

She looked up as everyone's heads slowly shifted forward, signaling that she was approaching the altar. She was not prepared for what she saw.

There, draped around this girl's waist was something blue. But it was _Riley's_ something blue. The scarf she had given Farkle all those years ago. The navy blue scarf she had danced with, desperately trying to make him laugh. The navy blue scarf she had let Farkle keep, knowing he would smile every time he saw it. The navy blue scarf he, apparently, never got rid of.

This was too much. How could he do this to her? How could he use her in this wedding without her permission? How could he humiliate her in front of everyone?

But then she remembered. She remembered that no one knew that it was hers. This was their secret. He was screaming to her from the altar but she had no idea what he was saying.

Their communication had tending to grow shaky over the years.

So she sat. And she watched. She watched as he held hands with another girl and told her that he would be there, through sickness and through health. The tears stained her cheeks, hot and burning into her skin.

The elderly woman sitting beside her leant over and whispered, "It really is a beautiful service, isn't it?" as she passed Riley a tissue.

Riley nodded and wiped away the tears, wiped away her humiliation.

This really was a smack in the face. A moment between them that had been so pure, so untainted by the harsh months that had knocked the wind right out of them at the end, suddenly was dripping red. He had taken something so innocent and broke it like all of their promises.

At the altar, he said "I promise to love you forever."

But all she heard was the way his voice used to sound when he told her the same thing.

"I promise to be there for you, even when don't think you need it."

" _Riley, trust me, you need me. I promise you that."_

"I promise to hold you when you're breaking at the seams."

" _Let go, Riles. I got you, I promise."_

"And most importantly, I promise to never leave you. I promise to stay put. No matter how bad things get. I promise to make you feel loved, every second of every day."

What hurt the most about this line was that Riley couldn't remember him saying that to her. Because he never did.

She stayed, but he didn't.

They got lost in the new world around them and forgot what made them work. Never having a problem with communicating before, they had no idea how to fix the one they had then.

 _You can only stay perfect for so long, I guess._ She thought to herself as the couple in front of her sealed the deal with a kiss.

His hands draped around her waist, circling around the scarf, rubbing the edges of it between his fingers.

She tried to look away, but human nature dictates that in acts of tragedy, pulling away is harder than watching. Pulling away is somehow harder than letting yourself get broken like a promise all over again.

* * *

 _The air was cold but he was warm, and that's all that mattered to her. The two were sitting in her grandparent's backyard, taking in Philly sky. They needed this moment of serenity, their chaotic lives had been interrupted by the death of Mr. Feeny, causing the two of them to pack their bags and head to Philadelphia for the week, preparing for the funeral and then actually going through it._

 _That day had been the funeral._

" _Are you ok?"_

 _His voice was soft and her body was rigid._

" _Yeah, I mean, this is harder for my parents than it is for me, but I hate watching them go through it. Death is never easy. But I think I'm ok. How are you doing?"_

 _He rubs circle into her side with his thumb, "Honestly, I'm way more upset than I thought I would be. I mean, I barely knew him, but he was such a great guy. He was so widely loved by so many different people. And now he's just gone. That's so messed up."_

 _Resting her head on his shoulder, she nodded, "Yeah, it really is."_

" _Riley?"_

" _Farkle?"_

" _When I'm gone-"_

" _Farkle stop, I don't want to talk about this."_

" _Listen to me. When I'm gone, I need you to be ok."_

" _Farkle…"_

" _Promise me that you'll be ok. I need to know that you'll be ok without me," they both started to get choked up as he took her hand, "I need to know that I can dying knowing that your smile may falter but it will stay strong. Promise me that you will continue to make gross meatloaf and smile at strangers. Promise me that you will continue to love."_

 _They were looking at each other now and she wasn't even trying to pretend that this conversation wasn't killing her. She didn't want to think about life without him, because there couldn't be life without him._

" _I promise that my meatloaf will be gross and that I will confuse strangers with my smile. But," she sighed through the tears, "I cannot promise that I will continue to love in the same way that I love you because I don't think that's possible when the one I choose to love is gone. And besides, you're not allowed to leave me until we're old and senile and there's no point in me finding love after you anyway."_

 _They both chuckled through the tears, and then Riley continued, "I promise that I will never stop loving you. And you know how I feel about promises."_

 _He smiled at her, his whole face was melting at her sweetness, "You never break them."_

 _Nodding, she grabbed his face with both of her hands, "Now please kiss me," she giggled, "This death talk is making me sad and I need to be reminded of the good things in life."_

 _Then their lips connected and it felt like the stars in the sky were shining just for them._

* * *

After what seemed like an eternity in Hell, the ceremony was over and Riley already had forty seven excuses for skipping the reception at the ready.

As everyone started to file out of the church and into their cars, the reception was being held at a dining hall a couple of blocks away, Riley tried to lay low. Ben straggled behind her, almost getting lost in the crowd several times, but it didn't phase her. She had to get out of there as soon as possible. However, she had failed to realize that the happy couple were standing by the doors, thanking everyone for coming and clearing up directions to the dining hall.

She froze, paralyzed by the glimmer of his new wedding ring under the church lights. This caused Ben to run into her from behind, having to push her forward.

"C'mon, Riles, we need to get going I don't want the food to get cold."

 _How am I with someone so completely oblivious?_

So she kept walking, looking down at the ground, hoping that he wouldn't see her.

"Riley! Riley! Hey!"

There have been very few times that Riley had wanted to be ran over by a semi truck. But this was one of them.

She looked up to see his arms out stretched, "Thought you could get away without a hug, huh?"

His smile seemed so genuine, how did he really not realize that he had just destroyed her from the inside out?

She smiled a far less genuine smile at him, "Oh man, you caught me."

His smile faltered at the deadpan response, but he pulled her in for a hug anyway.

Hugging him back, she reminded herself that she was angry at him. But his arms were so strong.

"Really, Riles," his voice was so soft and just like she remembered, "thank you for coming."

She didn't say anything right away, but eventually whispered back, "I hope she treats you well. But do me a favor and burn that fucking scarf, you asshole."

And with that, she _accidentally_ stepped on his toes with her heels and dragged Ben out of the church behind him.

She then explained to him that there was no way in hell they were going to that reception.

When he asked her why, she said she just _needed him too bad_.

However, she neglected to mention that the 'him' that she needed wasn't Ben at all.

It never had been

* * *

" _You're so good to me," he sighed as he came up behind her, arms wrapped tightly around her waist._

 _The two had just moved into their very own apartment the night before and Riley had taken the initiative to make a big breakfast to celebrate. Bacon, eggs, pancakes: the whole nine yards._

" _I know," she giggled as she continued to cook the bacon._

" _You know," he paused to kiss her neck, "We live alone now," another kiss, "I should probably_ show _you how much I appreciate you," he moved his lips up to her ear, "Right here on our very own kitchen counter."_

 _She sighed against him as he worked her neck so skilfully. Turning around, she connected their lips and tangled her fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck, tugging slightly._

" _Jump."_

 _She jumped into his arms and his hand gripping her thighs tightly as he spun them around so she was seated on the kitchen island._

 _Their mouths were a warzone but no one wanted to win. Being there, with each other, after so many years of secret pining, was all they needed._

 _His fingers were dancing between her thighs, turning her into a whining mess, when they were interrupted by a very loud, very severe, beeping noise._

" _Oh no! The bacon," she huffed as she jumped off of the island and ran to the stove where the bacon was very, very burnt._

 _He stood beside her, tugging her closer to him, and giggling as she picked up a piece with her tongs._

" _It's ok babe, I love it crispy."_

 _She looked so disappointed in herself he almost felt bad, but how could he when her hair was still a mess and her face was still flushed?_

" _Hey, how about we finish what we started in our brand-spankin-new bedroom," he paused to wiggle his eyebrows at her, causing her to giggle, "And then I'll take you out for breakfast? How does that sound?"_

 _She shifted so her body was pressed up against his, connecting her lips to the juncture between his neck and shoulder, "I think that sounds_ perfect _."_

 _He growled as she nipped lightly at his skin, "Alright that's it!" He had lifted her up and flung her over his shoulder, leaving her a giggly mess with a slight head rush._

* * *

The silence between her and Ben was deafening as they laid there, completely naked and staring at the ceiling.

"Ben," she started.

"I don't want to hear it," he finished.

And back to silence they were.

This had to have been the most embarrassing moment of her entire life. Even more so than when she tripped in the lunchroom in sophomore year, her soup splashing in her face in front of everyone. And definitely more so than having to explain to the entire nature club that she had twisted her ankle because she just wanted to see where the butterfly was going.

This was much, much worse.

She had screamed out someone's name during sex with Ben that was not Ben.

Someone that was definitely not Ben.

Someone that was Farkle Minkus.

Ben was the first to speak, "Do you still love him?"

The question had totally caught her off guard, she was operating under the assumption that Ben was the most oblivious person on the planet.

When she didn't answer, he tried again, "Riley, I need to know if you still love him. I need to know if I'm wasting my time.

This, again, completely caught her off guard. She had no idea he was looking for something so serious.

"No. I don't love him." The words tasted sour in her mouth. She wanted them to true. She wanted to right. But the words didn't fit, and neither did Ben.

She wasn't really sure if anyone would ever again.

He sat up, going to get his clothes that had been discarded on the floor not too long ago.

"Wait, where are you going?"

He sighed and turned to face her, his face broken in a way Riley had never seen before, "Call me when you have it all together, Riley. Hopefully it'll be my wedding day too because apparently you have a thing for unattainable guys."

His words stung like a million bees and she could feel the tears building, she understood he was hurt but that was a low blow, "What the hell did you just say to me?"

"I'm just saying, Riley, you've been broken up for over a year now, don't you think it's time to move on? I mean, he clearly has, he's married for fuck's sake-"

"Get the fuck out of my house."

He was stunned, "Excuse me?"

She was livid, the tears were rolling down her cheeks and her voice was sharp as nails, "You heard me, Ben. Get the fuck out of my house. You were going to leave me anyway so I'm just making it easier for you. Get. Out."

"Riley, I'm trying to help you! He's go-"

"GET OUT BEN!"

And then she was chasing him out, nothing but her comforter wrapped around her.

She slammed the door behind him and sank down against it, allowing the tears to fall harder than ever before.

* * *

" _Wait, where are you going?" She asked. Riley had been planning a romantic evening for tonight for weeks. And here he is, running out the door. Just like last night, and the night before, and the night before that. He had been doing so much running lately._

" _Out."_

" _Out where?" She huffed, placing her hands on her waist._

 _He spun around, running his fingers through his hair. He has looked so exhausted lately._

" _Just out, ok? I need to be alone right now."_

 _She was so amazed at his answer. He needed to be_ alone _right now? He was_ always _alone. They hadn't had an actual conversation in what felt like weeks and if she went to sleep with him by her side he was never there in the morning. All he ever was was_ alone.

" _What the hell do you mean you need to be alone, Farkle? You're always alone! I'm always alone. We haven't sat at the table and ate dinner together in weeks. We haven't had sex in months and-" then she realized her worst fear. "Farkle, are you cheating on me?" Her hands flew to her mouth and the tears threatened to fall._

 _His features immediately softened and he ran to her, gathering her fallen pieces up in his arms, "No, Riles you know I could never," he sighed, "Not after what my mother did," referencing what had lead to his parent's divorce all of those years ago._

" _Then why don't you ever stay anymore? Did I do something?" She asked through choked sobs._

 _He held her tighter, contradicting what he was about to say._

" _Riley, I think we should spend some time apart."_

 _And then, as soon as it started, the crying stopped. The hugging stopped. Everything stopped._

" _Excuse me?" Her voice had turned from broken to livid without her asking it to. "What the hell do you mean we should spend some time apart? All we ever do is spend time apart?"_

 _His eyes were empty, she noticed._ He _was empty._

" _I don't fit here anymore. I don't belong here."_

 _He had literally never made less sense in his entire life._

" _Farkle, what are you talking about? What's going on here?"_

 _He looked down at the ground and spoke softly, but somehow his voice was strong enough to leave her surrounded by rubble, "I'll call you."_

 _And then he was gone._

 _He left as she stayed._

 _And she stayed and stayed and stayed, trying to rack her brain, trying to figure out when everything went so completely hellish. But she couldn't think of anything. It was as if one day he had just left. Sure his body was there, but he wasn't. Why didn't she notice sooner?_

 _In the coming weeks he sent someone to grab his things from their apartment. She went without seeing him for months. She went without feeling for months._

* * *

It had been four days, two hours, and thirty eight minutes since she had left Farkle's wedding and he was coming back to work today. She only knew this because she had came running into his building two days, one hour, and fifty seven minutes ago, ready to give him a piece of her mind, only to find out he was still on his honeymoon by his receptionist. Farkle had taken over Minkus international, despite telling her countless times that he wanted to do anything _but_ follow in his father's footsteps.

It had been four days, two hours, and fifty five minutes and she sat on the ground in front of Farkle's office door, warm coffee in hand and heavy thoughts resting upon her shoulders.

She almost let herself leave, second guessing her relevance in his life for the upteenth time in the last several hours, but then she saw him. His trench coat still had water droplets on it from the rain outside, and his hair was slick. She reminded herself that she was here to tell him that she hated him.

Then he saw her and his face lit up but then fell. It's almost like he could feel her resentment.

"Hey, Riles, what a great surprise! After our little conversation at the wedding I almost thought you would never want to see me again which was very concerning and made me very upset, so I'm glad that you're here right now I-"

She stood up, "Shut up and unlock this door."

He gulped at how cold she was.

"Yes ma'am."

She followed him inside and immediately locked the door behind them and closed the blinds on his office windows that looked out into the lobby.

"Uh, Riley, what are you doing?"

She whipped around and looked at him, a bittersweet smile plastered on her face, "How about I do the talking? How does that sound?"

He said nothing, instead he just nodded nervously.

"Great, so now that we got that cleared out of the way, what the hell is wrong with you?"

He tried to respond but she just continued, "Why the HELL did you give her that fucking scarf? Were you trying to tell me one last time that we're over? Were you just trying to remind me that you left that day and never came back? Why do you consistently feel the need to ruin my life?"

She expected him to react, but instead he just sat and stared at her the same way he did the day he left.

"God fucking _dammit_ Minkus would it kill you to have a reaction? I gave you everything and then you left. I forced myself to be ok with it because your happiness is what matters most to me in the entire world. I showed up at the fucking wedding because I was hoping you would see how much I still care about and maybe oh, I don't know, realize that you owe me a fucking explanation. But instead I just got a big ol' punch in the gut as I saw the girl you love more than you ever loved me walk down the aisle towards _you_ in _my_ scarf. My scarf Farkle." Her voice faltered at the last sentence. She promised herself she wouldn't cry.

"Riles, I," he began, his voice desperate to be heard.

"Oh no, I'm not fucking done. You know what happened after that fucking ceremony and that fucking scarf? Ben left me. Or I kicked him out, the lines there are still blurry, but regardless I let a perfectly kind guy walk out because I was too busy thinking about you. I screamed your name during _sex_ , Farkle. Do you know how embarrassing that is? We've been broken up for over a year and I still see, hear, feel you everywhere. You _ruined_ me."

"Don't say that, _please_ don't say that, Riley." His voice was shaky and his eyes were glistening, damp with the tears that threatened to fall. This however, did not falter Riley's rage.

She charged over to Farkle's spot on the edge of his desk and just began banging her small fists against him, her tears felt like fire against her skin.

"But you did! I can't love anymore. You took my heart with you. How cruel of you to make me believe that I'd gotten the best life had to offer at such a young age. How cruel of you to leave me when all I ever wanted was you. You were everything to me, Farkle. For fuck's sake you still are!" Her voice was nothing but watery blubber at this point, her punches had turned into soft shoves as she ran out of steam.

Farkle gathered her up in his arms, letting her cry into his shoulder. "Riley. You're not ruined. You're not broken. And you sure as hell don't need me."

She remembered the time he promised her that she did. She remembered believing him as much as she doesn't believe him now.

"I'm sorry I left, you have no idea how sorry I am. But it's too late now. I missed my chance with you. I hurt you too bad to come back no matter how badly I wanted to, no matter how badly I still want to some days. I know you won't believe me but if I had come back, you wouldn't be able to love me the same way. All you would see is the boy that broke your heart. We wouldn't have made it, Riles."

Her sobs had slowed at this point, being in his arms had always had a calming effect on her.

"And as for that fucking scarf, I didn't even know I still had it. Chelsea found it when we were going through my parent's house when we were sorting all of my old stuff into 'junk' and 'keepsakes'. She found your scarf in one of my old drawers and started asking me about it. I lied and told her it belonged to my grandma, because I knew she would be jealous if she knew it belonged to you."

Riley hid her satisfied smile against his shoulder.

"I didn't expect her to keep it, let alone wear it on our wedding day. I had no idea about it until I saw her walk down the aisle. Had I have known, I would have stopped it. You should have known that I wouldn't want you to hurt because of me anymore than you already have." He grabbed her by the shoulders and made her look into his eyes.

"Riley, you were the first girl I ever loved. You were the first person to make me feel like love could exist after my parents. I will never stop loving you, but please don't let that stop you from leaving me behind. Please don't let me be the reason you're unhappy. All I've ever wanted for you was to be happy and loved. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'm sorry I let myself get in between the two of us. But just know that you were perfect. You were everything I needed, I just couldn't see it because I was so blinded by my own issues. I know I should have came to you. I wish I had. But life happens. Life happens and it can seem like it's trying to destroy everything in it's path but I promise you, you're going to be ok."

Her eyes were dry now and she was almost smiling. This had been the closure she had been in need of since the day he left her. It hurt like hell, but at least now she knew that it wasn't her. She almost believed that she would be ok.

"Farkle. I might be ok, but I'm not fine at all. At least, not yet."

He looked disappointed, so she continued.

"I will always love you. We loved each other too violently for me to not love you for the rest of my life. But,"

He looked up at her with his puppy dog eyes and she almost fell apart all over again.

She continued with his hands in hers and the tears falling down her face, "I need to hear you say that you're happy. I need to know that you're happy with Chelsea so I can let myself be happy with someone too. Please, just tell me you're happy and in love."

He smiled softly at her, "Yeah, I'm really happy. She's great and we're in love. But, Riles, that wouldn't have happened had it not been for you. I wouldn't know what love feels like had you not shown me each and every second I spent with you," he brought her knuckles up to his lips and kissed them softly, "Thank you."

They were quiet for a while, but then she broke the silence with a weak smile and an even weaker, "Goodbye, Farkle."

As she walked out of his office and towards the elevator, she let herself tuck away the memories of him in her mind. She finally let herself close that book. It hurt like hell and she ate too much ice cream that night, and the next six nights, but she knew she would be happy again. She knew that he was always out there, waiting for her. And for once the "he" for her wasn't Farkle, and that was o


End file.
